Free Write (A quick-read's worst nightmare)

(This was taken on a day where I felt happy and excited, a day I felt like I was living.

I haven't done this in months, maybe even a year. 

Speaking of years, this  hasn't been "my" year.

If I'm being honest, the last four years of my life have been riddled with difficulties, death and set backs. I sometimes feel guilty that the majority of my marriage has been the "Meredith is failing show." The failure is not even in the confines of my marriage, but certainly in the exteriors that make up my life.

I don't know if you were self-aware in high school. I was, somewhat.

I never felt that anyone expected me to be elected a senator one day, but I was going somewhere. I was smart and capable enough to do what I set out to do. My mother was supportive, I felt the drive to do something special ...

Clearly, that didn't happen. "They," whoever those nincompoops are, say that your life is never what you hope it will be. Sometimes the things you never thought to dream of come to fruition, and your future is better than you had expected.

The things I longed for, wanted to work for, did not happen. A better alternative did not occur, either. Boo hoo for me, right? 

Currently, I'm watching the episode of "Iconoclasts" featuring Judd Apatow and Lena Dunham. They are creating in ways I want to create. I felt stuck editing some photos, so I stopped. I made a turkey sandwich, and I'm hoping my want of wine will be quenched by water. I'm too broke and responsible to go buy a bottle. I was hoping that relaxation would be soon upon me.

My job causes me to be the worst version of myself, a good portion of the time. In a fair world, I would hate my job but earn enough money,or love it and be broke. Instead, I hate my job and I can't pay my bills.

I've never paid my bills late. I guess there's a first for everything.

My shift today was so heinous, that to wax poetically about it, would render me (most likely) something similar to a whining child. I'll spare you.

Why can't I find a job? I've long-since given up finding something related to Journalism. I just want to find something that allows me to make enough money, so that I don't worry myself to a prematurely-aged pair of starchy pants. I don't think it would be fun to become the personification of an uncomfortable item of clothing.

I used to dream, dream, dream but want to work. I thought I could just pair the Everly Brothers song with determination, and I surely could make something work. I try to be kind. Doesn't that count for something? I do my best to make people laugh. Does this earn me extra points?

No. 

If 26 doesn't find more smiles across my face, a reduction of money-related stress and less time spent with people who are passive aggressive and inconsiderate, I just don't know how I'm going to be able to reach deep down to find some kernel of happiness. 

Friends, I know you are tired of reading/hearing/just knowing I can't stop conveying my frustrations.

My inner voices are warring. They are shouting simultaneously, so I'm not sure which one to follow: The Pollyanna who serves as the catalyst for positivity, the I can do this voice. The one akin to hope and patience. Or, The Pessimist. The innate, feels rightly defeated and has walked through a dry, dry desert with no promise of water. (yep, I like to use personification) I can't handle both. Here's to hoping will straddle up and serve as a clear winner, because I'm tired.

This is me, today. Right now.

No apologies, just truth.

Comments

[CessM]

Well... as far as a job goes, I just can't figure out what the answer is. All I know is I keep seeing these creative, talented, and most unique things that you do and have an eye for. You are really gifted and I am not sure which direction it is all meant to go, but you have a tremendous amount to offer the world!

[Linda Johnson]

Not sure what a good year is anymore, but we gotta just keep on going and trying and learning. And try to concentrate on all the good things and good people that surround you. (Just like you did in your latest post) I care. lj

[Meredith]

Thanks Aunt Celeste and Linda! I really appreciate your kind words. I'm going to just keep going and working and hope for the best. :)