the latchkey kid

An Update, Oh My!

It's been more than two months since I've updated this space, and I just recently started to miss it. So what I'm saying is: I needed the break. 

In my absence, good things happened. There are actually things to share, and changes were made.

But let's back up and recap on the things and stuff:

I colored my hair differenly again, as seen here. Our friends Katie (who snapped this photo of the Ginge and I in front of our place) and Dan, along with his bandmates, stayed with us for two days. We hung out with them in and around the shows they played here. Look, there they are below:

This was taken during their second performance in the area, and that night my obsession with their music was solidified. I fancy all different types of music, but prior to listening to them live, I was sort of stuck on a specific genre. Nope, not any more. For me, Paper Lights' music is something you can write to, it's a bit dreamy, and tends to make me feel thoughtful. It's definitely got a Sigur Ros vibe, if you're into them. Plus, Melanie and I ended up being fast lady friends, which is not typical for me, and I'm so happy to have met her. It's so refreshing to converse with people (Dan & Katie, Melanie, and the rest of the Paper Lights fellas and their tour mate Adam Sams) who live in a way which seems so impossible from my view, in this small town. I wasn't jealous, though. That's how I would've felt before, but I felt relieved to find humans thriving in a creative way. ANYWAYS, I implore you to listen to their music.

This next bit is straight from my instagram, where I've been sharing most of my thoughts this season, so if you follow me there you can skip this next bit:

Later in the summer, I worked at a summer camp for seven days, along with my normal gig. It taught me a lot about saying yes to things that don't necessarily strike my fancy. I met new people, found myself surrounded by ideas I don't subscribe to, and all of this was good. I was uncomfortable at times, pleasantly surprised by others, and I learned new things. What I've gathered these past few weeks, in general: be open

There are days where I rage and say I can't keep doing x,y,z, BUT a stirring has happened inside of me (cue dramatic music), and I can't ignore that. I find myself hopeful, more so than I have in the past four years. I'm writing again, I'm picking up my camera more, and to reiterate the above, I'm open. I'm saying yes to things when I can, even if some reservation wants to stop me.

It's weird and it's good. Feeling content in my heart is foreign. I'm a restless individual, who never really had the means to quell my longing for adventure or experience.

 

I've always loathed the saying "bloom where you are planted." My reaction to that was: my location is not for me, why put forth an effort if I plan to move on?!

I still maintain that this little corner of the world may not be where I can fully bloom, but there's no harm in finding enjoyment here. Starting projects, making connections with people, etc. I'm not a tree, I can get up an move. Yes, there's many quotes incorporating nature that are applicable here.

 

                              I feel like a whole new person these days ... I think her name is Garth.

Which leads me to changes - I plan on taking this blog in a new direction. Will I continue to share personal things, despite my better judgement, yes that will still happen. However, a more focused, narrow content will replace my former attempts at discussing a variety of topics. A name change might also happen, but mostly I'm just excited to start fresh. 

Summer was never my season before, but I think it was this year. I hope you found a surprise or two, as well

This Business We Call Happiness

(source not provided by pinterest, but that's where I found it)

I've gone to write this several times, so excuse me if it isn't cohesive:

Do I have anything new or revelatory to say about how to achieve the sometimes elusive (for me) or succeed in the happiness game? Not really. In fact, I consider myself a novice.

You know those people who are smiling more often than not? They seem happy and to be having a good time. A lot. This may be due to the fact that their life is filled with more good than bad or they are focusing more so on the good. Either way, these people are a mystery to me.

Despite efforts to think more positively, reading/watching great thinkers discuss their take on the subject, keeping a gratitude journal for over a year, hell, even this blog (which is almost three years old) has been my grappling at maintaining happiness.

Today I had a thought: happiness is a business.

I mean this in a few ways: self-help or happiness instructions in the form of books, lessons, and visual media garner millions of dollars. Without getting into the mechanics of how advertising works, the mindset of the new "technology generation," and how consumerism dictates how we view success, I have to wonder if there would be so much supply without a growing demand. 

I figure I'm not alone, when it comes to my difficulty in finding happiness.

If we are to consider genetics and environment, I think I'm at a disadvantage. Neither is inclining me toward that particular shiny outcome. From what I keep encountering, joy is a choice.

Ugh.

What to do if snark comes more naturally? Truly, I'm not sure.

I was watching a conversation between Oprah (yes, I love her) and author Shawn Achor about the correlation between success and happiness. They brought up a point I hadn't considered: people strive for money, success, furthering themselves through education, and strengthening their faith in a belief system or life practice. All of those desires, however different they may be, come from one place: the yearning for happiness.

Sometimes I feel silly for tying up all of my hopes in a successful career ... which I'm not even close to realizing, but I suppose that's my specific way to finding the brand of happiness I'm lacking.

Maybe there's a variety of happiness (like it's a B vitamin) and we need all types. When we are deficient, that's when we see negative results that manifest mentally and physically. I experience joy when I make people laugh, take a photo I'm proud of, and consuming a film or song that makes me feel an emotion. But I cannot subsist on moments.

There are several different things happening right now that have converged to bring me to a point where I must admit: I'm not sure how to navigate my life.

I hate to admit it. Also, I hate to admit the fact that lately I've felt like I'm not as capable as I had previously believed I could be and my personal strength is nothing to be proud of. These feelings are not good, but I would never want anyone to be alarmed. I'm trying to prove my traitorous opinions wrong.

I'm posting this for a few reasons: to work through my thoughts on happiness (obviously) and to let anyone who might read this know that I don't plan on posting for awhile. As trite as this might sound, I would like be in a better headspace if I'm going to share things with the world. I don't want my words online to be the constant complaining of an unhappy person.

So, wish me luck? I'll do the same for you.

A Good Ol' "Fashioned" Update

This will be an update AND a fashion post, get it? ;)

Where did we leave off? Oh, my 10,000th day ... haha ... yea, well let's just say many a thing has changed since I discussed how to celebrate that milestone.

A trip was declared DOA almost as soon as that post went live. However, I thought a trip to a local vineyard might be lovely. Well, everyone I have mentioned this idea to has either declined due to work or lack of interest. 

I shrug my shoulders with this one, kids. I'm not sure what's going to happen.

 

The bigger thing in my life is the departure of my sisters. Mary Ellyn will be moving to Montana next week for (as of now) temporary botany work --- yep, she wears her smarty pants! As you read in the parenthesis, it's labeled a temp position now, but it could very well turn into a full-time job. Until we hear differently, it's a 5-6 months gig. We are all so proud of her cojones and abilities, of course. If you feel like putting out some good vibes into the world, think of her during the cross-country trek. 

Emily got a job in Nashville, and she leaves at the beginning of June. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm sad or if I will cry, and to that I say yes (but it really hasn't hit me yet) and no. I hate when my eyes leak. I'm so proud of her too! They are both so lucky to find jobs relating to their studies just mere months after graduating. My other sister Hayley and I haven't been as lucky, even though Hayley is very much making her way there. 

After the excitement settled on my shoulders, the air cleared and I realized I'm the only one left. Out of five, I'm the only daughter left in this town.  I felt sufficiently sorry for myself for weeks, I'm embarrassed to admit. Feeling sorry for myself turned into a mini-depression. I tried to not mention it to anyone, though there might have been a comment or two that slipped through. The typical "where is my life going" "how did I turn out to be such a failure" and a litany of other self-hating thoughts followed me everywhere. Let me tell you, I couldn't swat those gnats away.

Certainly, I have a better mindset about it than 2-3 weeks ago, but I'm still struggling with my current status. It's imperative that everyone knows I'm not trying to begrudge my sisters' individual successes, no, not ever. Again, I'm super proud, but I will really miss them --- I felt the need to be honest about what was bogging down my mind, and it's a big part of why I haven't been posting.

Beyond all of that Sad-Sack Sandyisms, I changed my hair and I love it. I'm so thankful that one of the stylists at the spa is so willing to work with my day dreams. Kelly, she is the best. No question.

I've been listening to the new Arctic Monkeys, old mixes, and the Dum Dum Girls.

Work is ehhh, but when is it not? haha. I know it could me a million times worse, so I hope with that statement included in my post, it will ward off any bad juju. Please universe, don't rain down on me! ;)

I'm still much funnier here and you can see more of my daily life here.

Last, but not least, I finally started Twin Peaks. It's been years in the making, but I've completed season one and now I'm one episode into season two. How the identification of the killer hasn't been spoiled for me is an internet miracle. I have had to bypass a few things, but it's not been difficult to keep a secret exposed 20+ years under wraps.  

So, here's to spring, May, and blue hair.

P.S. The Ginge is getting so good at capturing me in a photograph/I'm feeling a little more comfortable with not having control of the camera. Let's all give the man a round of applause for dealing with my neurosis. 

My 10,00th Day [Ideas!]

My friend Caitlin tweeted something that changed my plans.

She was in Paris (lucky lady) on her 10,000th day. She hadn't planned her trip around this milestone, but it was a lovely coincidence indeed. I'm attempting not to feel pangs of jealousy, but it's easy to bypass when said friend is deserving of fun things.

So, for the last few weeks I've been researching options. While I cannot meander around Paris (or anywhere outside of the U.S.), I thought it would be a swell idea to plan something, anything.

I'm definitely restricted by a budget, and while I pride myself on thinking outside of the box, this character trait doesn't always lend itself to planning trips. In fact, I don't think I'm always the best at this task. Maybe I become discouraged, or perhaps I don't know how to research properly, but I feel like I miss out on fun things when I visit a new city. That's not to say I've never done anything stellar in a town not my own, but I digress ....

Getting back to the task at hand. I gotta plan something. Here are a few options I'm considering, but not married to. Going on a hot air balloon is out, because I would need to sell an organ to afford it, and people, some of mine don't work well or at all, so my return wouldn't be worth the hassle. Here are the events/towns I managed to scrape up: 

 

1. Hot Springs, NC

Hot Springs is not too far away from me, and I think trying out the hot mineral springs would be an interesting experience. The town seems to have plenty of charm. I don't know if this should be an overnight trip, or a day trip, but it could be cool (not in the springs though!). There's a brewery and many outdoor options, like white water rafting. There's only a few lodging options for two, but I saw many cabins that would be fun for a group. My step dad Jamie just visited the town not long ago, so I'm anxious to get his opinion on it. 

 

2. Greenville, SC

People always tell me how much fun downtown Greenville is, and I would certainly love to visit. There's an art museum, plenty of good eats, and I'm imagining much more? This is the option I've invested the least amount of time in, but don't count it out. The previous statement is only true, because I just remembered it while compiling this list! Any suggestions would be helpful. 

 

3. Wild West Comedy Festival in Nashville

The Ginge and I have wanted to see Aziz Ansari on tour for about a year, so I was thrilled to see he was performing somewhere within driving distance. However, he performs on May 15th, and I am making this about the exact day so .... while seeing him would be a lot of fun (and funny), I needed to find something for that Saturday ....

BJ Novak is performing on the 17th though, so that's a bit of a consolation. Plus, it's been two years since I've been to Nashville, and I'm pretty sure she's missed me. Also, I wanted to try out the amazing restaurants I heard about after the fact, the last time I visited.

4. Atlanta

We were just there, but it was just so much fun! My criteria for this day was to do something I've never done before, so I'm sure I could find something. I might have to coax the Ginge with Yoo-hoos or donuts to drive there again so soon, because it's definitely the farthest away. The traffic when we were driving into the city wasn't what dreams are made of, but that was 1/20th of our experience there. (please help me think of ways to spin the heinous traffic in a positive way, people!)

By the way, I took the picture on top of our friend Katie and Dan's apartment building. What a view! I might have let the pangs of jealous take over with this one. 

5. Something at home (or in Asheville)?

I can't think of anything in the Tri-Cities I haven't tried, but someone else might know of a fun secret I haven't been privy too. In Asheville , there's several things I want to try, but I was concerned that heading over there  or staying home would be anti-climatic? 

 

You all know I would love some input. Do you have opinions on the ideas I listed or something within driving distance that I missed? I would appreciate hearing from you fine folks!

Currently.

 

Currently:

Wearing: loads of black. Please sir, can I have some more?

Watching: "TNG," "Parenthood," "Girls," and revisting a few of my film favorites.

Reading: I'm about to start "Mary and Lou and Rhoda and Ted ... " by Jennifer Keishin Armstrong. I've really been into non-fiction, lately.

Listening to: this song over and over.

Learning: I dealt with my first "trolling" situation online, yesterday. It was via a work giveaway I hosted, and other than the low-grade anxiety I felt for about 10 hours, I think the worst has passed. I think I would've handled one thing differently, but otherwise, I stand by my reaction to the instigation. My goal today was simply this: move on from yesterday. I learned a few things from this incident, that's for sure.

Missing: any desire to exercise (despite a heightened sense of body insecurity), consistent warm weather (not summer hot, people!), and photography. The photos from above were from this past Tuesday, and it had been months since I really thought out a concept and executed it.

I guess I missed blogging, too?

Excited about: I'm hoping to do something new and fun on my 10,000th day (May 17th!), spring weather, seeing some family over the Easter holiday, my sister Emily's birthday & her new job in Nashville (serious proud sister moment here), in fact I'm also super excited for my other sister Mary Ellyn's job prospects in the botany field (I want her on my "end of the world" team, fo sho), and I'm always excited when the Ginge brings home Dr. Enufs & Dunkin on Saturdays.

 

I promise not to be away so long, the next time.